Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hurt Feelings Post ~ What I Did

Sorry this is kinda long.

Last week I wrote a post about hurt feelings. I was thankful for all the comments that people left. It's a tough subject but everyday it's there. I don't go on about it daily but I know it happened to me and to others. This time of year is hard the holidays missing family members but God is there for us.

I think back to the person that said those cruel things maybe she didn't mean it but then maybe she didn't know what to say. So I posted this today. I'm sure alot of you have read or seen something like this before.

I also sent it to the person that made me feel sad. I only put that if she should come in contact with another person , she should really stop and think about what she might say.

1.Never say...... It's a MISTAKE

(they want this baby! also..maybe they cant have another...)Also this comment is often very offhand...
2. "Now you have angel looking after you" (they didnt want an angel-they want their BABY back!)
3."its for the best" (How?The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!)
4."At least you didnt know your baby!"(whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was REAL!)
5."There must have been something wrong" (with me? why?)
6." Did you do something you werent supposed to do?"(inflicts guilt/how could i have done this to my baby!?)
7."Have you ever thought of NOT having children!?"(well yes probably!I know i might never be a parent....)
8."Be grateful for the children you have!"(I am but I still need to mourn the one i have lost!)
9."It wont happen again"(I never thought it could happen..and to some unlucky people it does happen again!)
10.""Be brave,dont cry"(why not!!!?)
11."Get on with your life,this isnt the end of the world!"(right now it IS)
12."You should be over it be now!"( why!?This is not something you just 'get over')
13."Youre young, you'll get over it" (what does age have to do with pain!?)
14."Time will heal" (Time will make the pain easier to bear yes,but that is no help at the moment...)
15."At least it wasnt older" (it still matters and it still HURTS!)(In general best not to start with "at least" can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.)
16."It was Gods will" ..."God wanted him/her with him"..."God needed another flower in his garden" AND so on!
17. "Are you sure you were even pregnant"
18. "Your an idiot for wanting another kid right now anyway"
19. "Why are you upset"
20. "Maybe it was just bad timing to have another baby"

If you have never been through a miscarriage or pregnancy loss yourself, or even if you have , it can be hard to know what to say when someone you know loses a baby. You want to say something, but you just don't know what.

In short, the best thing to say is anything along the lines of "I'm sorry, and I'm here for you if you want to talk about it." It's also a good idea to offer help to your friend if she needs it, and ideally to offer something specific, since it can be hard for people to ask for help even when they need it.

As for talking about the miscarriage, your friend may or may not want to. Some women don't want to talk and may withdraw from friends and family, preferring solitude. If your friend or relative is doing this, it may be her way of coping. Let your friend have her space, and don't try to force her to talk before she's ready. Consider sending a card or flowers to let her know you're thinking of her. You might offer to bring dinner over so she doesn't have to cook or, if she has other children, offer to watch them for a while so she can have some alone time.

If your friend does want to talk, try to keep an open ear. Don't discourage your friend from talking, because it may be therapeutic for her. Consider asking questions like, "How do you feel?" in order to encourage her to open up.

In most cases, you should avoid offering advice unless asked. If you yourself have had experience with miscarriage, your friend might be interested in hearing about your experience but approach the subject with caution. If your miscarriage happened a while ago, remember that the feelings of grief can be very intense in the beginning and your outlook on the experience may be very different from your friend's. Remember also that every person goes through the experience differently, so you do not necessarily know what your friend is feeling (and your friend does not necessarily know what you felt when it happened to you.)

Try to remember that your friend or relative has lost a child, and be sensitive to that fact. Don't minimize the loss. She had probably started to envision her child in her mind and likely feels that she lost a baby, not just a pregnancy. It may be a while before she feels like herself again.

If you feel uncomfortable and awkward, just do your best. Try to be there for your friend as best as you can. She will most likely be reeling and in shock for a while, but years from now she will look back on this time and remember your support.

After she got this she unfriended me on Facebook which is ok. I would rather have true friends and not just be a number. I worked with her for a few yrs so we really weren't close. She did go to school with my sister. She did call my sister and tell her she thought I needed some kind of help. I filled my sister in on what really happened , so all I HoPe is the next time she runs in to someone that has lost I pray she treats them better than me.

Thanx again for the comments and love. It's just a good thing I was on my way to my daughter's school tea party , it took my mind off of it for awhile.

A Loss is a Loss , period.


Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Aw :) I really like that!

Tiffany said...

thanks for posting that. this morning i was thinking that i needed to post something like that to help educate some folks.

and you are definitely better off not having her as a friend. it's sad that she is not even open to understanding how she hurt you. you don't need anyone like that in your life. ♥

Trena said...

You did the right thing. And if anyone needs help it is her. I will pray that God touches her heart and that she doesn't hurt another person. ((hugs)) Love you. ♥

Holly said...

Good advice for people who haven't been there!

BTW I like the new layout!

Trennia said...

You are right, a loss is a loss.
A life is started from conception so it you like a sister.

Sarita Boyette said...

This is a great post! I just wish everyone could read and take it to heart. You never know when you are going to meet someone who has had a loss - any kind of loss - that might need comforting. And yes, some people don't want to talk about it. Myself, I do want to talk about my baby.
It is a shame she unfriended you - she could learn a lot from you!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Great post. So sorry about your trouble with this person. I can't believe she called your sister about it. Hope she reads this.

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