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Monday, May 14, 2012

My Story has a Ending ~ Sorry a little long

First of all let me say this is a hard post to have to write. I think I'm still shocked & so bear with me through this post. I feel a lot of guilt even though I know I done the right choice for my children.

I'm going to start this off at the beginning , when I met my Ridge & Thaniqua's Father it was a blind date. He was cool fun & liked a lot of things I did. Well of course we started seeing each other but his family was rough & nothing like mine. I always felt like maybe it didn't matter & that we would get along. Well after a few months almost a year we moved in together. I worked he didn't but then I found out he was hooked on painkillers. He used my money & it was so hard to get out of the whole deal. I honestly tried even though some will not believe me. I never touched the drugs myself. I took him to a rehab a few times but he didn't wanta change. Then ....

I had my Ridge a wonderful surprise. I really hoped that he could turn it around maybe ........ He had other children they were older & with there Mom's just like my children ended up. We had Thaniqua then I went to a shelter for Women my only HoPe to get away & start fresh. I worked the whole time this went on & then I met Paul.

I had many court battles w/ there Father but he always seemed to get visitation. It was hard to let my children go because I knew more than the courts did. So then the children were getting older & I worried about someone or something hurting them. Paul decided he wanted to move out of state. This is the hard part even though I knew there Father did drugs I tried my best to always let him see them even if I had to go to. Paul left in July 2007 for Nevada then I left in Sept 2007. I never told there Dad , I took them & left. I ended up doing what everyone who had children with him before had done. They LEFT !

The kids knew what I did was for them & for us as a family. I told them one day they would understand. So I also told them I will never stop you from seeing your Dad but when we go back to visit , you can see him if you want. Thaniqua did talk about it a few weeks ago but just wanted to say Hi. Ridge has been so hurt I know he cares but told me he didn't know if he wanted to. I told him it was fine.

Then I always wondered how I would feel ???????????????

Friday I checked my emails at lunch time & here I read a message from Ridge & Thaniqua's Uncle that there Dad had been found dead at his home. My worst fear had happened but so thankful my children weren't there. It was always something I worried about. I was home with just Carly I wasn't sure if I should cry or be a little happy that this was over. I cried & cried because now I have to tell my children there Dad is dead. Friday evening after dinner we talked & Paul helped me tell them. Ridge hasn't cried yet he holds so much in sometimes. Thaniqua cried & she said she hopes her daddy made it to Heaven. I do to he used to read the Bible so I'm praying that he made it. I'm praying for my children that they know in there heart Mom done the right thing. I just have so much guilt but I was only looking out for our kids.

This post isn't for you to judge me just so much I had to get off my chest. In Ohio the law is that if the father/mother are not married the mother has control of the minor children since they carry my last name. So taking them without telling him was no way wrong. he found out from people back there but he never tried to contact us either so I guess I shouldn't feel real terrible. It's just those memories of when he really tried to be a good Dad that get me.

They are having a service this Wednesday which we can't attend but I have talked to the family & there are other children so we are going to have a small service to spread there Father's ashes sometime in June when we can meet with all the other siblings.

Today my heart hurts w/my children because I know he tried at times to be better , I just wish he could have seen this beautiful , amazing children Our Ridge & Thaniqua are becoming ..... at the same time I know down deep it was what I had to do.

This is Ridge & Thaniqua's favorite picture of there Dad.



Thank you for the prayers for Ridge & Thaniqua & I it has been so very stressful & hard. Like Ridge said this morning " Drugs are never worth it "
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10 comments :

Trennia said...

Oh Caroline,
This is hard for your children.I am so, so very sorry my heart hurts for them.I believe you did the right thing, your a great momma!
My thoughts and prayers for Ridge and Thaniqua...it has to be hard for you too.So many emotions and no one has any right to judge you, they are NOT God! I have come to love you like a sister and your children like family...please know my heart goes out to you and your babies.

Tesha said...

Oh my heart hurts for you and your sweet kids. I know that you did what you had to do to protect your children. I was not always protected from drugs and that was sad and hard for me. I really believe you did the right thing, drug addiction is really difficult and dangerous for kids. I am praying and will continue to pray for your family during this difficult time! (BIG HUGS)

Sarita Boyette said...

Sending prayers for your family, especially Ridge, Thaniqua, & your mother. Caroline, you did the right thing to take your children away from what was a bad situation. I know they have feelings for their dad, but you had the presence of mind to keep them safe. I, too, hope he went to Heaven and someday the children can see him again in the wonderful peace of Heaven's glory. xoxo

Henninger Family said...

Saying a prayer for you and your family...

Dandelion Breeze said...

I'm so so sorry that you've been through all that you have... and that you're now supporting your kids through such a difficult time. My heart goes out to you all xoxo

Crystal Theresa said...

Sending prayers for you and your family, sweetie, especially Ridge and Thaniqua. What a difficult thing to have to deal with, but you did what you felt was best for your children, you followed your mother's instinct to keep them safe.

That corgi :) said...

((Caroline)). I had wondered if it was something related to Ridge/Thaniqua's biological dad, but I had no idea it involved his death. I am so sorry he chose to continue to use drugs and not get help and in turn basically turned his back on Ridge/Tnaniqua. I know he loved them, but it is sad that he loved drugs more that he couldn't get his act together and be the type of father your kids deserve, a type of father they have in Paul. I am sorry for their hurt and your sadnesss with their hurt, I think they will get it all as they mature and get older. I would never judge you; you did what you had to do to protect yourself and your children; I would have supported you if I knew you then and would have helped in any way. I think you are an incredibly strong woman who loves so much in so many different ways. I will continue to pray for you all. Hugs to you, Caroline......

betty

Tiffany said...

thinking of you...

Holly said...

I'm so sorry Caroline and I'm so sorry for Ridge and Thaniqua. I'm sure it is sad for them that their dad is gone even though they didn't spend a lot of time w/ him. And I do think you did the right thing for your children by getting them out of a dangerous situation. Whenever drugs are involved safety is a big issue. lots of hugs to you xoxo

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I believe you did the right thing in moving them. Please don't feel any guilt about it. Just look at the happiness they have had in Nevada. I am sure this is the plan God had for Ridge and Thaniqua.

 
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