My Story has a Ending ~ Sorry a little long

First of all let me say this is a hard post to have to write. I think I'm still shocked & so bear with me through this post. I feel a lot of guilt even though I know I done the right choice for my children.

I'm going to start this off at the beginning , when I met my Ridge & Thaniqua's Father it was a blind date. He was cool fun & liked a lot of things I did. Well of course we started seeing each other but his family was rough & nothing like mine. I always felt like maybe it didn't matter & that we would get along. Well after a few months almost a year we moved in together. I worked he didn't but then I found out he was hooked on painkillers. He used my money & it was so hard to get out of the whole deal. I honestly tried even though some will not believe me. I never touched the drugs myself. I took him to a rehab a few times but he didn't wanta change. Then ....

I had my Ridge a wonderful surprise. I really hoped that he could turn it around maybe ........ He had other children they were older & with there Mom's just like my children ended up. We had Thaniqua then I went to a shelter for Women my only HoPe to get away & start fresh. I worked the whole time this went on & then I met Paul.

I had many court battles w/ there Father but he always seemed to get visitation. It was hard to let my children go because I knew more than the courts did. So then the children were getting older & I worried about someone or something hurting them. Paul decided he wanted to move out of state. This is the hard part even though I knew there Father did drugs I tried my best to always let him see them even if I had to go to. Paul left in July 2007 for Nevada then I left in Sept 2007. I never told there Dad , I took them & left. I ended up doing what everyone who had children with him before had done. They LEFT !

The kids knew what I did was for them & for us as a family. I told them one day they would understand. So I also told them I will never stop you from seeing your Dad but when we go back to visit , you can see him if you want. Thaniqua did talk about it a few weeks ago but just wanted to say Hi. Ridge has been so hurt I know he cares but told me he didn't know if he wanted to. I told him it was fine.

Then I always wondered how I would feel ???????????????

Friday I checked my emails at lunch time & here I read a message from Ridge & Thaniqua's Uncle that there Dad had been found dead at his home. My worst fear had happened but so thankful my children weren't there. It was always something I worried about. I was home with just Carly I wasn't sure if I should cry or be a little happy that this was over. I cried & cried because now I have to tell my children there Dad is dead. Friday evening after dinner we talked & Paul helped me tell them. Ridge hasn't cried yet he holds so much in sometimes. Thaniqua cried & she said she hopes her daddy made it to Heaven. I do to he used to read the Bible so I'm praying that he made it. I'm praying for my children that they know in there heart Mom done the right thing. I just have so much guilt but I was only looking out for our kids.

This post isn't for you to judge me just so much I had to get off my chest. In Ohio the law is that if the father/mother are not married the mother has control of the minor children since they carry my last name. So taking them without telling him was no way wrong. he found out from people back there but he never tried to contact us either so I guess I shouldn't feel real terrible. It's just those memories of when he really tried to be a good Dad that get me.

They are having a service this Wednesday which we can't attend but I have talked to the family & there are other children so we are going to have a small service to spread there Father's ashes sometime in June when we can meet with all the other siblings.

Today my heart hurts w/my children because I know he tried at times to be better , I just wish he could have seen this beautiful , amazing children Our Ridge & Thaniqua are becoming ..... at the same time I know down deep it was what I had to do.

This is Ridge & Thaniqua's favorite picture of there Dad.



Thank you for the prayers for Ridge & Thaniqua & I it has been so very stressful & hard. Like Ridge said this morning " Drugs are never worth it "