Not the best quality picture but Carly fell asleep on our bed w/ a book that she had been carrying around all morning telling me she was reading. The book was at least 4th grade material. Such a sweetheart taking after the rest of the children. She loves books. I didn't want to wake her taking the picture.
Yesterday a sweet sweet friend of mine made this lovely picture for me. We have been friends a while now on Facebook. So after dinner when I logged on I seen this beautiful , amazing picture of all my children. I felt so much love especially when someone took the time to do something for me like this. My friend is a angel Mommy too. She has a precious daughter that waits for her in Heaven. Thank you so much my sweet friend forever I will treasure this.
After dinner I logged into Facebook to play a couple games I enjoy. Sunday is like my day to sorta have some me time on the computer. Here a few minutes after logging in I read calling hours & service next week for a friend that plays a game that I play. I was shocked to hear she had suffered a heart attack yesterday & passed away. I know that she had not been sick. I might have only chatted a couple times but you could just tell she was a sweet lady. She also is only two years older than I am. Wow , you never really stop & think I might not be here tomorrow. Since this is memorial day weekend I'm asking to please keep her family in your prayers. I know they have to be in shock.
I want to do something for the family so I'm going to buy a butterfly from Carly. I also I'm going to make a stitch from my other blog. My heart is sad for them.
Just never forget how very precious each second of everyday is ........ something like this makes you really stop & think.
Well our weather is a bit chilly , yesterday we had a good mix of all weather.
It happened last year too on Memorial Day weekend.
This picture I'm sharing from one of our news channels in Reno. This is at Mt Rose. We had a little snow here on the ground but it didn't last long. It is still chilly & windy here today but should be warming up by Monday.
We didn't have any big plans for the weekend Paul has to work on Monday anyway so I have some craft work to get caught up on. Just a day to spend w/ kids & remember the real reason for the day.
I found this photo on FB & I am also using it for my cover photo. I thought I would share it. I love it so much. I remember as a child going to the parade & hearing them play the Taps at the cemetery , shooting over the graves. I know so many get wrapped up and forget what this weekend is really about.
Two words really sum it all up THANK YOU to all the past , present & future military men & women.
Things have been hard lately but I'm so glad I have Faith & God ......
Lately I just feel like crying & I have but even though it helps me let of pressure I know with God & faith things will fall into place. Ridge & Thaniqua are starting to talk let feelings out. It's hard to see them sad but as I told them God is watching over all of us.
Just a quick post to say Ridge is home. He had a wonderful time. He looks really tired. I know he went on a hike almost everyday. I was so excited to see him. I walked into the office & the secretary told me they just got back & I could go on out to get him plus well them unpack. I went right out of course. There he was talking & eating a quick lunch the teachers had gave them. I think I got the biggest hug ever. I signed him out plus the girls and we all went home.
Pizza for dinner & I got all of his laundry done plus he did a awesome job of keeping the dirty clothes in the trash bag & not on the clean ones. I know how well some boys or girls listen. He just relaxed and played on my laptop this afternoon. He is sleeping now. So nice to have him back. I know I still have so much to hear tomorrow , stories & stories.
As I walked to the back of the school to meet him , I suddenly thought of how I will feel when I see my children in Heaven. I can't wait & the stories to tell me. I miss all my children when they are away from me. This other Mother said to me as she was in tears to see her daughter I guess this just means we really love them. I know I love my kids on earth & in Heaven always always thinking of them.
Today I was pretty busy but then again don't know when I'm not.
I want to take the time to thank all of you for the sweet comments. This has been really hard for all of us. I knew this day would come but you know your never ready for death. So glad I have God & all of you wonderful people to talk to.
Yesterday was Ridge & Thaniqua's father's service. Wow still so hard to believe he is really gone. I know we really didn't talk but so many times even after words said to each other we would always speak. I guess I'm just having a tough time since I wasn't back there. My Mom is a real sweet lady & yesterday she attended the service since none of us could attend. She never really cared for him but he was the Dad , so she told me she knew if even I had been there she would probably have went. She told me it was nice. She said not one bad word was said about the kids & I not being there but they asked & they were so happy to know that they were doing so well. Larry his brother said no other way they were with the best parent Caroline. It sure made me feel good.
Today I just wanted to talk to Larry tell him I was so sorry. I knew it would meke my heart feel better. I just needed some type of peace. So I called & we talked for about ten minutes. Lots of questions about the kids & me but when I hung up I felt a peace. I could smile I just needed to hear him. Whenever I had problems w/ there Dad Larry would always try to help me out.
So today I found this online thought it was pretty cool.
Thaniqua had a hard time yesterday morning when walking to school. It was the same day of the service. She cried a little & I asked her if she wanted to go to school of course she did. I told her is good to cry & you need to. I showed her this picture & she loved it.
I thought about Ridge to yesterday but I'm sure he did fine. I heard from another teacher who came back from camp for a meeting at school said Ridge was having lots of fun , plus going on a 5 mile hike. So glad his trip was this week but I really miss him. So I'm really excited for tomorrow at 1pm when he comes back. Our house just is not the same w/out him.
Yesterday I went on Thaniqua's walking field trip to the Nevada State Legislature and Supreme Court.
We had a great day & I enjoyed helping out. I took a couple pictures. I decided to go because I already had to be at the school early as Ridge left on his trip yesterday too.
We had a beautiful day & the kids learned a lot.
Today I'm going to eat lunch with Thaniqua & Jennifer as it is lunch bunch week plus we get out of school right after lunch today. Love early out days so we can go spend sometime at the park with Carly.
First of all let me say this is a hard post to have to write. I think I'm still shocked & so bear with me through this post. I feel a lot of guilt even though I know I done the right choice for my children.
I'm going to start this off at the beginning , when I met my Ridge & Thaniqua's Father it was a blind date. He was cool fun & liked a lot of things I did. Well of course we started seeing each other but his family was rough & nothing like mine. I always felt like maybe it didn't matter & that we would get along. Well after a few months almost a year we moved in together. I worked he didn't but then I found out he was hooked on painkillers. He used my money & it was so hard to get out of the whole deal. I honestly tried even though some will not believe me. I never touched the drugs myself. I took him to a rehab a few times but he didn't wanta change. Then ....
I had my Ridge a wonderful surprise. I really hoped that he could turn it around maybe ........ He had other children they were older & with there Mom's just like my children ended up. We had Thaniqua then I went to a shelter for Women my only HoPe to get away & start fresh. I worked the whole time this went on & then I met Paul.
I had many court battles w/ there Father but he always seemed to get visitation. It was hard to let my children go because I knew more than the courts did. So then the children were getting older & I worried about someone or something hurting them. Paul decided he wanted to move out of state. This is the hard part even though I knew there Father did drugs I tried my best to always let him see them even if I had to go to. Paul left in July 2007 for Nevada then I left in Sept 2007. I never told there Dad , I took them & left. I ended up doing what everyone who had children with him before had done. They LEFT !
The kids knew what I did was for them & for us as a family. I told them one day they would understand. So I also told them I will never stop you from seeing your Dad but when we go back to visit , you can see him if you want. Thaniqua did talk about it a few weeks ago but just wanted to say Hi. Ridge has been so hurt I know he cares but told me he didn't know if he wanted to. I told him it was fine.
Then I always wondered how I would feel ???????????????
Friday I checked my emails at lunch time & here I read a message from Ridge & Thaniqua's Uncle that there Dad had been found dead at his home. My worst fear had happened but so thankful my children weren't there. It was always something I worried about. I was home with just Carly I wasn't sure if I should cry or be a little happy that this was over. I cried & cried because now I have to tell my children there Dad is dead. Friday evening after dinner we talked & Paul helped me tell them. Ridge hasn't cried yet he holds so much in sometimes. Thaniqua cried & she said she hopes her daddy made it to Heaven. I do to he used to read the Bible so I'm praying that he made it. I'm praying for my children that they know in there heart Mom done the right thing. I just have so much guilt but I was only looking out for our kids.
This post isn't for you to judge me just so much I had to get off my chest. In Ohio the law is that if the father/mother are not married the mother has control of the minor children since they carry my last name. So taking them without telling him was no way wrong. he found out from people back there but he never tried to contact us either so I guess I shouldn't feel real terrible. It's just those memories of when he really tried to be a good Dad that get me.
They are having a service this Wednesday which we can't attend but I have talked to the family & there are other children so we are going to have a small service to spread there Father's ashes sometime in June when we can meet with all the other siblings.
Today my heart hurts w/my children because I know he tried at times to be better , I just wish he could have seen this beautiful , amazing children Our Ridge & Thaniqua are becoming ..... at the same time I know down deep it was what I had to do.
This is Ridge & Thaniqua's favorite picture of there Dad.
Thank you for the prayers for Ridge & Thaniqua & I it has been so very stressful & hard. Like Ridge said this morning " Drugs are never worth it "
Well Ridge is growing up & also taking his first trip w/out us. Tomorrow Ridge is going on his 5th grade trip Science Camp in Portola CA. The place they are going is Sierra Nevada Journeys Outdoor School. It is exactly 70 miles from here will be staying at a really nice place. So the weather looks to be great while they are there. He will be gone Tues thru Friday. Returns early Friday afternoon.
It is a Huge step for both of us. Ridge has never been that far away from me , I know he is in good hands too. The school has lots of fun things planned. I'm really excited for him.
I also got his Spring Pictures Friday. Turned out so Awesome. My boy is def growing up.
I just had to post this picture while I was packing somethings for Ridge , Little Miss Carly got so quiet , guess she decided to try out Ridge's new sleeping bag. Too cute , I know she will miss him too.
Today I just want to take the extra special time to say
Happy Mother's Day to my MOM !!!
I love you so very much.
Today we all took turns talking to her on the phone. Just wishing we could have all been there.
She was so happy just to hear us all. Oh & just like always there is that one child that wants to act up , it was Carly today.
I asked for some special prayers for my Mom yesterday. Tuesday we found out that she now has breast cancer in the other breast. She had cancer 10 years ago in her right & had it removed. Two weeks ago we found out there was issues but Tuesday we found out for sure. My Mom is hopeful & no way ready to throw in the towel. She is not taking any treatments she feels God will walk us through this no matter what. She is a strong christian lady & I'm so proud to call her my Mom. Surgery is set for June 4th I will not be there as school is not out until the 13th then I will be going home w/ the kids. We are just giving it all to God as he already knows what will be the outcome.
Thank you all for keeping her in your prayers.
I also hope all of you had a wonderful Mother's Day.
Today I'm joining in with Tara from Still Standing writing about my journey.
Where am I and how did I get here ?
It all started six yrs ago ~ A miscarriage
Then four yrs ago another loss.
Then God blessed us w/ a beautiful Rainbow
Then another loss two yrs ago , another loss five months ago.
Another Mother's Day w/ missing children. It doesn't matter how much time passes it always will be the same those extra feet in the house that are not there. Even with living children it doesn't make this journey any easier. There are still holidays , moments that I will never see them do things the other children do.
I'm a Mom doing the very best I can , looking forward to the day I can finally meet those precious children of mine waiting in Heaven. I'm a Mom who loves , who misses & through it all I'm so blessed even if there is a painful side to my life as a Mommy.
Life has been a real emotional roller coaster lately. I have so much to write about. A lot so maybe I can feel a bit better. Some things are good & some are not but I know God is watching ,helping us walk through this. Please say some prayers for all of us but extra special for my children Ridge & Thaniqua & also for my Mom. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
Wishing all of my babyloss mother friends around the world a peaceful International Bereaved Mothers Day.
You are a beautiful Mother !!
Last night I ran across this while on Pinterest. I haven't had time lately for much but last night I was in the mood to do some writing. This quote really touched my heart.
Since today is the day set aside to remember the Mother's who have lost child or children I was thinking ....... thinking of how far I have came since that day Feb 10 , 2006 when I had my first miscarriage. I remember what some people said to me that it was a mistake. It was better it happened , something must have been wrong. True something could have been wrong but that baby was a life just as you or I .
So today after losing four children it was no mistake. Yes it hurts & something that I thought would never ever happen to me. Yes it did but yet I'm still breathing still standing & being that Mom who doesn't have all her children. I'm alive & yes God is still just as I know even though those rocky days watching over me.
It was no mistake my child's short life is written down & they are waiting in Heaven. I thank God for all those I have met online through blogging & helping each other through the rough days & good days on this journey as a bereaved Mother.
Yesterday my sweet & wonderful friend Franchesca launched a new online magazine called Still Standing , embracing life after loss & infertility.
This a piece Fran wrote , I so love it.
"In a moment death won. Motherhood felt like a cruel joke that had been dangled in front of my eyes only to be yanked from my grasp much too soon. Prayers felt like they were hitting a brass ceiling. Heaven had to be real, it just had to. But in this moment, it felt like a figment of my imagination. The grave mocked me. And all innocence was gone in this world where children die. In that moment that death won, a promise was made in my heart to never to let her name memory fade. She was incredible and I wanted the world to know it. The resilience that I have witnessed, not only in my own heart, but in the company of other bereaved mothers, and women who have suffered from infertility… is contagious, powerful, moving. When I look through pictures of those early days of grief, I am amazed that I have survived. And not by anything that I have done, by any means. But it is incredible that anybody could survive the aftermath of grief and losing a child. For a long time that is what it felt like though – that I was merely surviving. And sometimes that is all you can do. But maybe you’re like me, and you just want to smile again and not feel that tinge of guilt for a moment of happiness. Making the plunge to embrace life after loss is an inward battle I have found in my own heart. But I cannot let death win. Not today. It has already taken so much. This is my heart’s dream, that I hope might spill into yours. Life is a gift. And the truth is, if you’ve suffered loss, infertility or both, and reading this… you are still standing in the midst of the aftermath. And if you are here, you must know that you are not standing alone."~ Franchesca Cox~
Please check out this new magazine gonna be great.
I'm a wife to a very special man ~ Paul , who is just Awesome. I'm a Mommy to four wonderful , amazing children on Earth Ridge , Thaniqua , Jennifer and our Little Rainbow Baby Carly. I have four children in Heaven Riley , Little Muffin & Sweet Pea , Rosebud who I miss but know that One day we will be together. Also I have three step-children which are all in there 20's.